October Musings

I’m glad the month of September is about over. It is becoming easier to get through it, but I still am reminded by dates in September of the deaths of my two sons, and grandson and the birthday of my dear late husband Jack. I try to keep busy and let each day pass, but somehow they keep sticking in my brain like little post-its with dates scribbled on them. The intensity of the pain and loss have lessened over the years and I can deal with good memories most of the time. This is a month of “What Ifs?” I can usually let that go, but sometimes it creeps in when I least expect it. I’ve decided that it’s better to deal with it than try to bury it which just seems to make it erupt even more and more often also.

I realized that it was 1978 when my son, Jeff died, and that is thirty one years ago. He would have been fifty six years old and the second death of my oldest son in 1994 was fifteen years ago and he would have turned fifty seven this year. My grandson would be thirty eight and Jack would have turned eighty two. It’s when I realize the numbers that I know how long it’s been and it is easier to let go. But there are still ‘What Ifs?” It makes me wonder about marriages and more grandchildren. Having just one who I don’t see very often is rather difficult. And I say to myself What if I had ten grandchildren? And it does hit home that I’m getting up in years also. But mostly I’m able to let go of that kind of senseless thinking and be in the present. I am about to finish September and that is good.

October is not a great month because there are three birthdays, but one is mine and one is Jason’s, so I can concentrate on us and let go of other sadness a little faster. I don’t really think about these issues very much, but sometimes when I’m trying to get to sleep these unproductive thoughts creep in to my head. Like bad thoughts I try to think of more pleasant things and let them float back out, but it’s a little harder than a bad thought. Oh Well! Life does go on and mostly it’s good!

And look at the beautiful weather. It has been the coolest summer that I ever remember even those growing up in Denver, Colorado. Right now as I sit at the computer I have a cool breeze blowing on my neck and I love it. I remember many late Septembers when the schools were unbearable both when I was in school and teaching. We had shorter hours at school, because back then no schools ever had air conditioning. I don’t say “The Good Old Days” very much, because I don’t remember them that way. There is so much more now to be thankful for that I don’t really think back about better times. The technology is the only thing that I can’t keep up with, and probably never will.

I don’t like sitting next to someone or standing in line and listening to them on a cell phone, and being forced to hear their whole conversation. Since when does someone saying ‘What are you doing?’ and then ‘Not Much’ in response ever been necessary? I can relate to a cell phone being used in an emergency, but to carry on ordinary everyday conversations in loud voices in public places is to me the height of rudeness. I don’t text and probably never will. I don’t use the computer that much and don’t answer my e-mail very often. The most boring thing in the world to me is to spend hours sitting at my computer. I would much rather read, be outside, going to coffee with friends, exercising, or heaven forbid even doing housework which is my least favorite thing to do, or any number of enjoyable things.

I do think computers are wonderful for many things, but I do think we’ve gotten so dependent on them that we don’t do face-to- face with friends and others nearly as much, and I do think it has taken a lot social life and personal interaction away from young people. If they couldn’t e-mail or text friends, they might be more likely to interact on a face-to-face level, and be more intimate with others.

Enough of my rambling. I hope you are all thinking good thoughts about health care and hoping that good things come about. I do believe that Obama is trying his best and I would like the rude comments and horrible bashings from conservatives to stop. What is happening to our civility? If we don’t agree, we don’t have to yell, call names or even bite as has happened at some health care discussions. Can we talk and discuss in normal tones and respect the other’s opinion even if we don’t agree? I hope so!

I actually have taken a little break from reading. I read A Penny Candle in the Window by Maeve Binchy and Getting it Through My Thick Skull by Mary Jo Buttafuoco which my friend Val loaned me. It was the story of a woman who was shot by her husband’s sixteen year old girlfriend. It was a news story seventeen years ago that made lots of headlines. It was interesting to read about how some women stay with a man who is a stinker, but charms them enough to keep them hoping that they’ll change. Working at the Center has been an eye opener in that I’ve learned the cycle of violence that keeps women hoping that their men will become loving companions instead of batterers.

The third book I read was an excellent and well-documented book about witchcraft which reinforced my long-standing, firm belief that witches were women persecuted by men who could get hold of land by denouncing widows, men who resented that women had any power, superstition and ignorance and, the very bad and low position of women at that time. Religion often reinforced the lowly status of women and clergy often helped in the trials and burning of women, gays and mentally challenged people. It was a very dark time in history just as our persecution of Native Americans. Remember to say a kind word to someone you might think is different than you!