150’s super-security: ‘Mayberry, WTF’

(Middle-age woman in an old-style, gingham dress seated at a table, talking on an old-fashioned phone)

G- Clara? Aunt G. Did you get your paper? Me neither. It’s getting so thin, you’d think it’d get easier to deliver. What’s that? They’re cutting some comics and sports results, too? I know, I know: All the young Opies … They say they need to print fewer pages, smaller pages and cut carriers and reporters to stay competitive. If they’d stop printing altogether and lay off everybody, they’d REALLY be competitive …

(Slender man in tan police-style uniform knocks and enters)

G- Clara? Deputy Fife just came in. Yes, Barry Fife. I’ll call you back. (Hangs up)

B- Miss Latham – Aunt G – can I bounce some ideas off you before the meeting?

G- The meeting downtown with city hall or George Manias or Floyd the barber or whomever about campus security?

B- Yes’m. I got some top-notch law-enforcement, criminal-justice type thoughts.

G- That’s a first.

B- As you know, here at 150, we have two rules. First: Obey all rules. Next: don’t ruffle.

G- Ruffin?

B- RUFFLE, like feathers – not that you’re a bird brain or anything, Aunt G.

G (Suspicious) – Yeeaahh. Go on.

B- Now, after all the campus police were de-certified and disarmed, we thought about a Bass Action –

G- Bass – like Bass Pro Shops? What, you’re going to give security guards bows and arrows?

B- No no no. The Bass Action was giving guards bags of genuine Ernest T. Bass rocks. But … the lawyers frowned on it.

G- Do we really need school … ‘deterrence,’ Barry?

B- Oh, yes, Aunt G. … Kaboom! (chuckles, haltingly, then gets ‘serious’) You know, if you let them take 30, they’ll take 35. If you let them take 35, they’ll take 40. If you let them take 40, they’ll take 45. If you –

G- I get it, I get it. Where’d you come up with that? Gomer? Goober?

B- You’re real funny, you know that? We ought to book you on a cruise.

G- (shakes her head) Mm-mm-mm. Sounds like you want us to fail, too.

B- No no no. I know this calls for action. We gotta nip it in the bud. First sign of students going wrong, you’ve got to nip it in the bud. And teachers! And principals!! –

G- Even without evidence, right?

B- We can’t just mollycoddle them.

G- Right. Like Miss Crump – or Mr. Wettenaur.

B- Nip it. Read any book on leadership and you’ll see every one of them backs bud-nipping.

G- Nipping.Uh-huh.

B- So we’re lining up community volunteers – in costume – to be entrance “sentinels.”

G- Sentinels? Sounds like an app or video game.

B- Sort of. We’ll approach local leaders to dress up as – well – as superheroes.

G- Did Otis spike your water?

B- (Grimaces) Can I talk?

G- Go on.

B- Picture (gestures out and above): Rocky Vonachen as Captain America – better, Merle Widmer as Iron Man. See? Diane Oberhelman as Cat-Woman. Dave Koehler as “Professor K,” reading your mind –

G- About GMOs, maybe.

B- – and … Aaron Schock and his six-pack as the Incredible Hunk with his fellow Avenger Steve Shearer – Thor!

G- Thor. Hmm. Look, Barry, this is dumber than kerosene-flavored pickles.

B- Wait, wait. How about Brad Harding as Green Lantern or Green Hornet or Green Arrow –

G- Green Thumb would be a stretch.

B- Jim Ardis as Twitter, the flying bluebird of happiness –

(Phone rings and Aunt G answers.)

G- Sure, Sara, put him on. (Pause) Yes, sir. Yes. I see. Yes … I guess that’s different. OK. (Hangs up)

B- Campus security?

G- No: the chief. Our guards will remain unarmed but hand out cards.

B- Cards?

G- Cards. Reading, “PLEASE don’t shoot. Really: PRETTY PLEASE.”