Even as a young adult, I firmly believed in the likelihood of living happily ever after. Growing up in an era and environment which included many large families, though mine was not, I had naïve expectations about marriage and children. While not exactly expecting Prince Charming, I didn’t realize quality marriages require work. When I recall some families I knew during my youth, their happy outcomes were amazing considering their challenges. I remember my inexact plans to replicate the Walton Family, which I watched faithfully on television each week. Fortunately I had presence of mind to realize Mrs. Walton prepared three meals daily, canned or cooked everything possible from the family garden, and rarely went shopping or to lunch with her friends. The show played well, but even I understood, eventually, that reality would be considerably different.
An educator with 32 years teaching experience said he always reminded his students “that they were marrying a person, not the idea of that person hovering in the back of their minds. The real flesh and blood person will still be there when the idea changes.” He believed that’s why we take vows, and says, “we wouldn’t need to make such a formal commitment to another person if we could be certain our ideas of one another would remain the same.” My mother once confronted teenage me about my being in love with love rather than the person. Fortunately she wasn’t speaking about the man I married, and I’m fairly certain I did not think highly or fondly of her remark. Many years later I understood her need to make me aware of the distinction.
Compliments of my computer, I recently learned everyone’s talking about modern love. Who knew? Plus there’s a full collection of modern love essays on love and dating. Really?
We’ve known for decades about puppy love, first love and that sometimes “love is lovelier the second time around.” There’s married love, romantic love and a host of other loves, some of which seem destined to end poorly and others that succeed wonderfully well in spite of difficulties.
Some say falling in love isn’t genuine love, but a provocative type of infatuation. Maturity tells us love is more a decision than a feeling. Feelings come and go; real love requires commitments. So regardless of the physical changes that happen through the years, the illnesses and disappointments, and sometimes the rock bottom lows that life often delivers, faithfulness and devoted love still remain.
A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships “found that if partners reminisce about happy experiences they’ve shared, they’re more likely to have a stronger union.” Researcher Jessica Borelli, Ph.D. says, “Making a point to relive good memories brings you closer to your significant other in the moment and prompts you to pay more attention to the times you feel loved and cared for going forward.”
My husband candidly told me once, while smiling, that sometimes I analyze the life out of situations. He was right and I began focusing instead on positives. The decision was wise and helps renew beautiful memories.
Three adult children, seven grandchildren, and 45 years are festively wrapped with appreciation, love, a continuing commitment, and countless reasons for celebrating the day we both said, “I do!”