Anyone who dares to publish a word beneath their name during this age fraught with such unprecedented levels of credulity had best keep sight of that ever-lowering bar marking the threshold to the deepest depths of stupidity.

Free speech can cost a writer dearly these days.

This piece is satirical and intended to be humorous. Good satire in the hands of a master like Voltaire or Royko is inspirational. It once put wind in the sails of noble concepts like civic duty and brotherhood.

The minutes it will take for you to absorb these drips from the addled mind of a grouchy old man must come with the understanding that none of this is reality. I have no cousin Lo-Jack. None of the events described took place.

I stopped by to meet my favorite cousin Loquacious “Lo-Jack” Jackson for a couple Coca-Colas. He presented me with a dejected affect.

“Hope the wife let you step out with a big bag of cash tonight, boy. The next Warner Brother that gets reckless with her little pink grill is gonna catch some bumps. Come bail me out. Lo ain’t gonna tolerate any more disrespect. I am handing out multiple bumps!”

While helping you make bail I might mess around, fit a description and end up being your cellmate. Wait. Who do you mean by Warner Brother? Is that some new euphemism for white … b … broads? W.B.? I get it. That is crazy offensive! You must have a death wish.

“You can stay gutless ’til the end, but not me. I have had it. Doesn’t it offend you when some blonde bobblehead who can barely read says something like: ‘I don’t see color’ or ‘there is no racism’ or ‘black don’t crack’ or they expect you to explain why Blacks do this or that?”

I tell them that the next time they see a young cat with dreadlocks smoking a blunt with his pants down below his booty they should go ask him to explain himself. That usually ends the conversation. You can’t go around calling these types names. Try harder to not take them personally.

“I am a senior citizen! Too many of them just assume that they have the right to run over me. They talk down to me like I am some old fool who has contributed nothing to this life. ‘Your suggestion is noted Black guy, but ignored because the internet says you have a tiny Negro brain.’ I deal with that attitude all day!”

You better get a grip or you will be explaining why you got fired to your wife … yet again. These Warner Brothers, as you say, have fragile, twitchy and vindictive personalities. I deal with these types, too, but I try to let things go and keep it moving. Our complexion comes with a presumption of guilt that they have always been able to mix with fake indignation …

“I have no idea why he got upset. He was so black and big and big and black and black and big …”

… to crush careers, families and reputations for generations. Lies and manipulation drip from their lips, like venomous honey filled with malicious intentions …

”… his big black nostrils were flaring, he was angry and out of control. I was so very afraid of him and his big blackness. The sheer terror of the incident was so big … and so black. I knew he was going to cause trouble from the day he was hired.”

… next thing you know, someone from H.R. uses the words “hostile work environment” and it’s a wrap. The inappropriate or racially charged things she has done or said for months will be minimized or ignored. Everyone can turn on you like a pack of wild animals.

“Then I end up being the one who is called a racist. The Warners close ranks and lie in unison with perfect harmony. I have seen it before. Even if you tie yourself into knots trying to avoid problems, all it takes is for one to decide that it is her show and that she doesn’t like having you in it.”

You were the guy telling me to man up during COVID. Remember your lecture about how the women who raised us endured injustice with dignity and grace while growing up in Rosedale, Miss.? This double standard has existed for your entire life. Why does it have your skivvies in a wad now?

“Because it feels different now, somehow more intentional. Over time I have just become saturated with all the disrespect and passive aggression. There is also this lingering notion that baiting and gaslighting me is some kind of sport to them. They are toying with the wrong ego here.”

Maybe if you came in with pumpkin spice lattes for everyone?

“I mean it! I have lost count of how many Blacks they hounded into saying the magic words that ultimately got them unilaterally resigned.”

I swear you’re going to need to start your own English dialect. I take it that means fired?

“Sacked! Canned! Given the boot! The old heave ho!”

Now you’re calling them ho’s There’s never a syringe full of Ativan around when you really need one.

“You can keep the jokes. I served my country in the Marines, paid my taxes and have lived within the bounds of the law. I deserve the same respect as anyone else!”

Since when does what anyone deserves matter? The best I have been able to do is try real hard to always deliver a superb quality and quantity of work. Making work easier for the bosses and making money for my employers is usually enough to keep me in their good graces. My coworkers are not required to like me.

“Gutless … and an Uncle Tom too? You sound fresh out of the big house, boy. ‘Long as ah makes mah massa happy we’z gonna be jus’ fine. Massa will take care of me.’ Black people should be beyond depending upon whites to endorse us and the need to prove ourselves with our blood, sweat and tears.”

Now hold on! The first couple of names you called me were on the house. This next one is going to cost you and it’s going to be expensive, Cuz!

And I am aware of the attitudes and biases of my coworkers. Listen to yourself. You sound positively desperate for their approval and acceptance in spite of all your outrage. Well, it’s like En Vogue once sang, “You’re never gonna get it!”

“I have been trained to be an autonomous and efficient killing machine. Cost me? I will beat you ’til your legs don’t work! These Warner Brothers know what they are doing. They shouldn’t be allowed to hang over me and my family and menace my livelihood. And, what’s more, it’s getting worse!”

It is getting worse, but if we focus on the injustices they become an excuse to self-destruct and go out in a blaze of self-righteousness and stupidity. Of course they are baiting us. Yes, it is intentional. So what? Your self-worth should never be externally driven. You best stay in your lane.

“Grandma Victoria used to always say, “Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.’ ”

Everyone knows that part, but no one remembers what the Apostle Paul said after that: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty give him something to drink … Do not let yourself be conquered by the evil but keep conquering the evil with the good.”

“Yeah, I hear you. Know what? That’s why you’re my favorite cousin. You’re pretty dang smart.”

I’m not that smart. Remember, I have a tiny Negro brain.