Ole Gus Hagaard and I were nitpicking our substitute teacher one Friday morning during recess. With both thumbs thrust under his overall galluses, Gus rolled his mouth into a spitting mode then spat a gob of slimy Mail Pouch tobacco down on the ground at my feet. “I wonder why Miss Newberry’s eyes always have that “dried-out” look?” he asked. “Dunno,” I replied. “Maybe it’s because she rolls her hair-rollers too tight. Crazy Eddie told me the other day that she rotates the spark plugs in the old ’28 Chevy of hers every 3,000 miles.”

As I remember, just being’ around that ole coot very long at a time was like looking over the rim of an active volcano with a high wind to your back. But, back in those days everybody did have a “thing” about a car. My uncle Sipe, for instance, would never clean his ears with the ignition key to his vehicles. He claimed ear wax buildup could short circuit the whole cotton caboodle and maybe cause a fire. He always dug his ears with the door key.

When Gus finally married that sassy little Marva Kay, he had the audacity to invite his girlfriend, Edna, to the wedding. Of course this was ‘un’be-knowst’ to his wife-to-be. The wedding invitations read: “You are invited to watch Gus and Marva make it legal on March 15th.”

During the ceremony the Reverend didn’t pause very long after asking if anyone objected to the wedding – he’d often experienced old flames showing up and talking way yonder too long.

I was reluctant to go through the receiving line because kissing the bride for more than five seconds could get a person in trouble. Besides, she was holding her month old baby. However, sometime later on I did manage to tell her the baby was cute and asked her if she had any idea who the father was.

During the reception, Gus stood at the door to the rented hall asking all the guests to wipe their feet before entering. After all, the refund on the cleaning deposit could be the difference between an oil change and a complete tune-up.

For a gift I gave them a new cookbook knowing full well that livestock was usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

The couple departed on a month-long honeymoon to the west coast with Gus completely reposed all the way. She did the driving – all he had to do was hold the steering wheel.