By Ed Klein, Peoria, IL

If you read the paper or watch the news on TV, you are more than likely aware of the Phelps clan – those pustules on the face of humanity who hide behind the First Amendment to assault us with their homophobic venom at funerals of American Service personnel.

But are we really helpless in the face of this behavior? Legally, perhaps. But what if someone gave the envelope a slight nudge? Would it be illegal if some kid happened to have a few stink bombs in his pocket and his mother, fearful they might break and ruin his trousers, told him to throw them away? Which he might possibly do without being very careful about where he tossed them. Or, it could be a tear gas canister somebody wanted to get rid of and without thinking, lobbed in a certain direction – without thinking where it was going. Mistakes can happen, you know. And could you really fault a bunch of paintballers whose vision, perhaps obscured by a recent sally by the enemy, mistaking a group yelling and waving what they took to be battle flags and loosing a volley? Or, what if some public-minded citizen, fearful that a number of patriots, spurred by hatred of the Phelps, would make death threats against them, obliging the police, out of concern for the public safety, to make the clan move to a safer area away from the funeral.

I’m just imagining these things for my own amusement, but if anyone actually uses one or more of them, don’t say it was my idea.