When I was a child, I often asked my mother whom she loved most: my dad, my sister or me. I was hoping, and rather confident I would be high scorer in this category. It never happened. She always told me she loved all of us the same amount but in different ways. That was hardly a satisfactory answer, but she never wavered with her response. My mother had strange notions about love. More than once she told me it was because she loved me that she had to discipline me when I behaved poorly. I was more than willing to do with a little less love if it meant skipping the punishment, but that was never an option. When I was older, and particularly after having children, her way of thinking finally made sense.
Love is often sentimentalized to the extent its actual meaning is distorted. It’s sometimes confused with romance or sexual attraction or that giddy feeling that causes a certain euphoria but little in the way of commitment or compassion. We’re told that “Love is a many splendid thing” or “Love makes the world go round,” and Hallmark markets many beautiful cards about love, but they often speak more about the emotion than the decision to love.
Before my first child was born, I anticipated spending hours rocking and holding him or her, feeling akin to the Mother of the Year as I radiated joy over this much wanted baby. I feel certain joy was not my daily expression after his birth. Fatigue and an overwhelming feeling about this motherhood gig being more work than what the books and articles suggested was more like it. My love for my child needed deeper roots, and a greater sense of reality than what I was capable of post-partum. It was also an interesting lesson in realizing love requires attention and dedication, and that loving and liking are vastly different in meaning and direction.
Love is not a feeling, even though we often think it is, but a decision. Ask any parent of a teenager how much love would exist if warm and fuzzy feelings were necessary to actually love said teen. Love also ebbs and flows at times depending on a host of variables. But the decision to love isn’t based on externals. Of course there are those mountain top feelings for a child or one’s spouse that defy description, but love must continue whatever the feeling.
Capitalize on the Valentine Day’s opportunity to tell people they are loved. It doesn’t take expensive gifts or long stemmed roses to express the sentiment. A phone call, card, or handwritten note will say it. Sometimes it takes a bit of courage to step out and express feelings of affection. What if they are misunderstood or the recipient feels embarrassed or someone might find it awkward. Clearly there are guidelines and circumstances requiring prudence, but we also don’t want to become a society forever fearful of expressing friendship or fondness.
Valentine’s Day is not just a Hallmark holiday, but a day designed for sharing and caring.
“Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. What love we’ve given, we’ll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.” – Leo Buscaglia